I’m told I entered this world pissing but then I was told many things.
One of them being the legend of my dear granddad. Victor at Belsen , spitting in the face of the Untergrupenfuhrer , fought at D Day, interpreted the top Nazis at Neuremberg. Turns out he was in the Home Guard. Love ya Joe , didn’t burst my bubble baby , I never put you on a pedestal.
I started school early as they had nothing for me at the job centre. It was 1967. It was about as far from groovy as one could cycle away from. Not exactly outta sight but more tucked in bed with Big Ted and a hot water bottle.
The first music I remember is the sort of groups they had on Blue Peter and other good Christian sex in the missionary position type shows. Freddie & The Dreamers , Gerry and the Pacemakers and The Monkees thank Elvis. There was no 13th Floor Elevators or even the Pretty Things , it was still top button done up with a tie underneath a turtleneck jumper.
Very thick cut ginger marmalade.
I came third in the egg and spoon race one year. Daddy was proud.
Otherwise I was too stupid to really engage in academia and spent many hours learning about fear and loathing in the headmaster’s study. Locked up with a man so depraved he smelt of evil and stale semen which mingled with his hot sour breath. It was the elixir of death.
Johnny Morris is talking leopard to me.
My big break came when I was asked to become Danny Dyer which is still my full time job.
It’s a good gig and pays well but sometimes the mask slips and I find myself quoting Shelley or Keats at the dog track.
I leave you with a joke from Tommy Cooper –
A geezer walks into a psychiatrist’s practice wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says , ‘ Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts. ‘
Carson Robison We’re Gonna Have To Slap The Dirty Little Jap
Dee Dee King aka Ramone Funky Man
The Ramones Chinese Rocks
The Spades You’re Gonna Miss Me
Jack Scott Rocket In My Pocket
The Pygmies Don’t Monkey With Tarzan
The Jagged Edge How Many Times
Maximillian The Snake
Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads Goo Goo Muck
Nolan Porter Keep on Keeping on
Jack Scott The Way I Walk
Blind Boy Fuller What’s that Smells Like Fish?
Barbara Greene Long Tall Sally
Link Wray Fatback